If You Can Hear Me
by Ericka Jane
Summary: Sam's trying to make amends but where do you start when you've brought upon the apocalypse? Surprisingly, not with Dean because he's not in much of a listening mood. Sam's gotta start smaller.


Notes: AU from season 5 premiere, a little bit of harsh!Dean implied but no dialog to prove it, set approximately three days after 4.22.

Disclaimer: If I owned The Winchester and Co. I'd definitely be doing something better then wasting my life away on the internet.

**If You Can Hear Me**

Redemption is something that Sam is used to. It feels like his whole life centers on two themes: trying to repent past actions and trying to avenge loved ones. Sometimes one theme takes over the other but in an essence, that's what Sam's life is about. Too bad Sam has never been good at either action. He always took vengeance too far and didn't know when enough was enough in the redemption department, always opting to hold onto guilt for far too long. Sam figures it's the Winchester way because his brother and dad were the exact same way. At least they knew how to carry out revenge without, "going completely bat shit, dark side insane." Yeah, Dean had said that to him a few days after Lucifer had been set free and the shock effect settled down a little bit. It stung but Sam didn't bother countering it because it was the truth. He had gone insane and had teetered so long on the edge of dark side that for a while, it didn't look like he could be pulled back. Thankfully, Dean had yanked him back before he completely toppled over into full on demon territory, something that Sam will always be grateful for.

But now he's left with the consequences of his actions, the pain of his betrayal, and the guilt of all the death he caused or is going to cause. Redemption doesn't seem like a strong enough word to describe what Sam's going to have to do. Bobby, Dean, Castiel, the world, where is he supposed to start? How's he supposed to make it all better? Dean said not to bother, that he'd done enough already and, "there's no sense in trying to put a band aide on a stab wound," another short conversation that cut Sam to the core. But once again, Dean was right. Dean's always right.

But Sam's always been a determined, stubborn bastard, and the start of the apocalypse didn't change that, it just changed Sam's course of energy.

Dean looked at him a little funny when Sam asked to stop in Greybull. Not that Sam can blame him because it's a pretty weird request, to want to go back to the town where Pamela died, to where the beginning of the end basically started. Shockingly, Dean didn't argue, he didn't even ask why, which kind of unnerved Sam a bit. But they were already in Wyoming thanks to an errand Bobby needed them to run, so besides the weird look and the pursing of Dean's lips, there wasn't a protest. Then again Dean probably already knows why Sam wants to go there, and that's why he's keeping his mouth shut.

Turns out Sam was right in thinking that Dean already knew his plan, because he pulls right up to the cemetery without Sam even asking him to.

Dean cuts the engine and stares out the window at the intricate fenced in cemetery. Sam follows his gaze and swallows, suddenly feeling nervous even though he really has no reason to be. Dean turns his head and looks back at Sam. There's a smile on his face that makes Sam's throat constrict with nostalgia. It's a smile that's gentle, that says 'brothers', that says Dean's comfortable with Sam. Sam hasn't seen it in a long time.

"Go get em', tiger," Dean says softly with a small tilt of his head towards the cemetery.

Sam doesn't trust his voice so he nods a bit and opens the Impala door, letting his feet hit the pavement.

His hands are stuffed deep in the pockets of his hoodie as he winds through the grave stones ,until he comes to a stop at his destination. Cole Griffith.

"Hey, Cole," Sam says, his head tilted down to the ground, "I know you're not still around but I'm hoping you can hear me anyways."

Sam shifts his feet, wondering why it's so hard to talk to a headstone. Maybe it's because it's another step towards facing what he's done, facing the monster inside of him.

"I didn't want to lie to you," Sam says and then sighs deeply, "More than anything, I didn't want to lie to you."

Sam swallows and continues, "But everything was on the line, you know? And I couldn't tell you that…even if I did, I don't think you would've changed your mind about helping us. And that's ok, family's important. Family's everything."

Sam almost forgot and was reminded the hard way, that little to nothing else matters, except for family. He's always had to fight to keep his and this time, he almost willingly threw it away. It's not going to happen again, not ever.

Sam sniffs, wiping away the tears burning his eyes, "I just wanted you to know that. I'm sorry, Cole."

He takes one last look at Cole's headstone and then turns to walk back to the Impala, only to be stopped by the sight of Dean leaning against the tree that was behind Cole's grave. Sam frowns. He hadn't even heard Dean walk behind him, how long had he been there?

"You didn't do anything wrong," Dean says and then nods behind Sam, "With Cole."

"Doesn't feel that way," Sam mutters, "I knowingly lied to him, told him he could stay with his mom forever if he helped us. That seems wrong to me."

"It had to be done. Neither of us liked it but it had to be done. That's what hunting is about," Dean replies, "He's in a better place now, safe."

"It was still wrong," Sam says and swallows hard, unable to look Dean completely in the eye, "I had to apologize."

Dean nods, hearing the millions of hidden meanings under that, "Come on, we need to get back to Bobby's. It's a ten hour drive."

Dean pushes off the tree and walks to the Impala. Sam follows behind him at a safe distance. Sam slides into the car after Dean, shutting the door firmly. Dean's staring at the cemetery again and Sam's staring at Dean, wishing for the thousandth time that he wasn't so far away from his brother. He used to be able to know what Dean was thinking and feeling, now it's like hearing the static from a TV, empty and constant.

"I'm sorry, Sammy," Dean finally says, his face turned back to face the windshield.

"What?" Sam demands, surprised, "Why? What for?"

Dean huffs a laugh, "Keep your shorts on, Francis."

That makes Sam's eyes widen to the point of being comical. Dean hasn't joked with him or made fun of him in that brotherly way in so long that it's almost foreign.

"I've been pretty hard on you lately," Dean continues, oblivious to Sam's shock, "I was pissed. Hell, I'm still pissed, but I know…I know you're trying. Things are bad, Sam, but we're in this together now, right?"

Dean finally looks at Sam again, that smile back on his face, "I mean, family's everything."

Sam feels like if he opens his mouth all that's going to come out are sobs, but he risks it anyways, "Yeah. Family's everything."

On the drive to Bobby's, they sit in their first comfortable silence in months.


End file.
